When There Are No Words...

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

It has been over a month since my last post. I just haven't had the words.


On February 1st our family lost a large part of our heart in the passing of my nephew. At the age of 41 Brian was loving, kind, funny, generous and amazingly talented. Less than two years prior to Feb 1st, Brian lost the love of his life to Lymphoma. His heart was broken and never repaired. Left behind are their two children, ages 19 & 15 with questions and heartbreak beyond what their years can fathom. And my sweet sister and brother-in-law are broken hearted and lost.


With my sister and her husband serving as pastor and pastor's wife for nearly a quarter of a century, one would think they are prepared for loss. They have guided many of their flock through the pain and grieving of their own loved ones. But it is different when it is your own child. They are no longer pastor and wife...they are mom and dad. And now executors of an estate and all that comes with that. They are trying to go back to work each day now, with a strong face, but their hearts are shredded. I can't imagine.


Each day I think of Brian. Even though we lived hundreds of miles apart, and I didn't talk with him every day, I miss him. I miss the thought of him being an email or text away. I can't believe he is gone. I keep trying to allow myself to picture him with his wife Ann, walking the streets of heaven hand in hand. Happy again. No more heartbreak and longing for the love of his life. As a brilliant graphic designer, I picture him "sprucing up" heaven with his designs. I know he is happy now, no more pain or sorrow or grieving. No more stress of raising two children alone. I know that.


I am faced with the reality that I can't help. Not really.
I know that my sister knows I love her and would do anything even though we live hundreds of miles apart. But other than my daily prayers for them, I realize there is nothing I can do. And that breaks my heart again. She and her husband are hurting, suffering, grieving, lost and I can't help. The only thing that stayed in my head during the days after losing Brian and throughout the funeral were the words from a song...
You are God alone, from before time began, You were on Your throne, You are God alone. And right now, through the good times and bad, You are on Your Throne, You are God alone.
These words kept swirling through my head. They helped me focus on God during the absolutely unimaginable "why?" days that followed. Only God can help them through these dark days. They know that. They know God. They have seen His work. But when you have been knocked to your knees, it is hard to look up.


I read a story recently of a woman who suddenly lost her teenage son, her only child. She was talking about how to help the grieving and she said "the person experiencing deep grief is in shock. Their mind has shut down. They have difficulty concentrating. They can't handle reading serious or lengthy literature or listening to long sermons. Charlie Walton, who lost two teenage sons, and authored the book, When There Are No Words, said "I have decided that… at least for the first three months of your grief… your mind is somewhere else. You walk. You talk. You sit up and take nourishment. You appear to be fully inhabiting your body. But… if someone had the power to look inside your skull… they would see a note on the kitchen table of your mind. The note would say, 'Make yourself at home. I'll be back in three months.'"


I believe that. I believe my sister and brother-in-law are going through the motions right now. I am strengthened knowing that God goes through the motions with them. When no one else can help, when friends and family try but their words are empty, I know that God is there with them. At three in the morning when they lie awake because their minds won't let them sleep...God is there. I pray each day for their strength, healing of their broken hearts. I pray for Brian's two children who in less than two years have lost both their parents and now have been separated to allow for family to care for them. I know we aren't suppose to ask "why?" But I think God expects us to anyway. He knows.


When someone you love loses someone, it is so hard to know what to do. Words often fail, so it is often said to express yourself through a loving hug, a handshake, even a simple touch. Just being there is a ministry. Charlie Walton wrote a whole chapter on hugs in his book, When There Are No Words. To explain the benefits of a hug, Walton begins by saying there is no way to quantify the pain of grief. He says: Pain doesn't come in pounds or ounces or gallons. You just feel like you are standing before a mountain that you are going to have to move one spoonful at a time. It is a task you can never hope to complete… a mountain that you can never hope to finish moving. But… as you stand surveying that mountain of grief… a loved one steps forward with a hug that communicates clearly. You can almost picture that person stepping up to your mountain of grief with a shovel and saying, 'I cannot move the mountain for you… but I will take this one shovel full of your grief and deal with it myself.' It seems to me that every hug helps dilute the pain a little more… that every sincere hugger carried away a small quantity of the mountain they were facing. "


I want my sister and brother-in- law to know that I stand with them with my shovel.  I want to help them move this mountain. I know that their friends, co-workers and family also stand beside them with their own shovels too.  We will move this mountain Linnie.  With God's help...we will move this mountain.

3 comments:

Mom said...

Beautifully written Patti. Thank you. Hugs are often shared with our beautiful Madison. She has such incredible strength. God is love and his love shines on through her desire and ability to make the best of this new path. As I have said, Anna and Brian remain proud and their love for her forever present. We remain blessed!

grateful girl said...

Thank you! And thank you for your selfless act of love when taking in Madison as your own. I know she sees her mother in you and I know you see your sister in her. I think of Madison every day and am comforted that she is with you and your family and being sheltered and loved and guided. Prayers for you, your family and Madison on your new journey. We are always here for you.

Linnie said...

Thank you to my wonderful sister, Patti. I don't have a lot of words to express my love and the constant blessing you are in my life, but most wonderful things in life go unspoken. Thank you for your constant prayers, texts, phone calls, you, Jack and the girls coming to be with us during the first very difficult days. I know God has a plan and I have to remind myself daily that worry looks around, but faith looks up. Thank you for being there, I need you "and your shovel" so desperately right now. Love you always and forever. Linnie